Ever wonder why you flinch when your partner reaches to hold your hand? Or why you experience a downward spiral of rejection when your friend doesn’t return your call? Finish the sentence and observe what happens in your body and brain. “Closeness is _______.” Did you say “enjoyable”, “warm”, or “safe”? Did you say “uncomfortable”, “scary”, or a big “no thank you!”? Perhaps you cringed, rolled your eyes, started to fidget, or got a sinking feeling in your gut. Your response to this simple question might say a lot about your comfort with and ability to connect with others as well as the quality of your relationships. One way of thinking about this is through the lens of attachment theory and attachment styles.

Attachment styles are distinct categories that help describe how we seek safety in relationships. And guess what? We all have them! From infancy throughout childhood, it is biologically necessary to do our best to learn how to connect and feel close to our caregiver(s) in order progress through the developmental stages and ultimately survive. We do this regardless of the quality of parenting we receive as it is our only way, as vulnerable children, to have our best chance at making it to adulthood. This process creates our internal working model, or “attachment map”, of what relationships feel like, and what we can expect from others. We then consciously and subconsciously apply this “map” to help us navigate adult relationships (if you just gulped, this article is especially for you!). So, if you experienced a consistent, affectionate, trusting relationship with your parent or caregiver, you are more likely to have internalized those positive experiences, leading to a strong sense of self-worth and healthy relationship behaviour as an adult. If instead you experienced hostility, rejection, judgement, neglect, high expectations, limited affection or warmth, a highly anxious parent with limited boundaries, a caregiver who is consistently inconsistent (like hot and cold), or trauma within the context of being parented, you are more likely to have harsh beliefs about yourself or the world, and behave in a way that doesn’t fully trust closeness with others.

Finding out with more certainty which attachment style you have can be done together with a therapist who offers attachment specific work. With many clients, I use the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), an evidence based tool to assess the nuances of a person’s distinct attachment map. Often times, we can have more than one attachment style at play, with some people having a primary, secondary, and even tertiary attachment style. The AAI helps to provide a detailed look at a person’s individual attachment experience, and why they developed the coping mechanisms they did. There are also some great tools online that can provide a general idea of which broad category you might fit into. Here is a brief introduction to the four main attachment styles, with some descriptors to help paint a better picture.

Anxious/ Preoccupied

Heightened dependence on close relationships
Requires external validation to feel better
Easily feels rejected or abandoned by others
Emotions come in BIG waves
Struggles with self worth
Can be impulsive in relationships
Jealous when partner is unavailable
Views others as better looking, smarter, more successful, etc.

Avoidant/Dismissing

Loves independence and fears it being lost
Values self-sufficiency and hates being dependent
Prefers distance instead of intimacy
Feelings can be hard to talk about
Pulls away when others get close
High selfesteem and not relying on others
Devalues emotional support or expression
Appears confident, strong, and in control

Unresolved/Disorganized

Carries traits of both dismissive and preoccupied
Relationships can feel dangerous
Might have experienced major trauma or loss
Can feel helpless and not goal oriented
Very hard to trust others
Often anxious
Emotions are challenging to regulate
Shows opposite attachment behaviours (hot and cold)

Secure/Earned Security

Manages emotions well
Values close relationships
Able to accept partner’s or children’s independence
Able to express emotional needs in a regulated way
Good self worth and balanced view of self
Accepting of different viewpoints without judgement
Empathetic to the needs of self and others
Balanced lifestyle with relationships and career

As you can probably note, a secure attachment style is what we’re aiming for. It helps us thrive in relationships with friends, family, and our partners. Security helps us feel confident within ourselves while remaining open and available to connection with others. If you are not in the realm of secure attachment, don’t be hard on yourself. You needed your attachment style to cope with difficult experiences as a child with parents, in your community, or at school, which helped you thrive and survive! However, it’s totally understandable (and actually very courageous!) that you might want to move to a more secure place, and that can slowly happen through attachment focused therapy with a therapist you feel safe with.