As a therapist, I often witness the intricate dance of relationships in the lives of my clients. Yes, folks come in for issues in their intimate relationships and their family struggles, especially given our team’s particular leaning towards attachment based therapies, but an often overlooked dynamic is that of friends. It’s no doubt that meaningful friendships have a variety of positive impacts on our general wellbeing. Adults with extensive social networks tend to live longer (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015), close friendships can help adults manage stress more effectively (Uchino et al., 2018), and having close friendships in adulthood significantly predicts life satisfaction and happiness (Demir & Davidson, 2020). We are social creatures after all.

In spite of healthy friendships being quite important to making life both meaningful and healthy, it's natural for these connections to evolve over time, and when this happens, this process can be an emotional one. Taking the time to consider whether or not it feels right to continue in a particular friendship can be the difference between ending things with a sense of internal peace, or regretting your choice later on. In this article, we'll explore the reasons why people outgrow friendships, offering some considerations when evaluating the future of a friendship, and tangible next steps on moving forward from a place of authenticity.

Understanding the Why

In any relationship that wanes, there is usually no “one reason” that leads to its ending (even if an acute event tips the scales in deciding to part ways). Instead, it is more realistic to consider a variety of factors that shift the state of things over time. Here are some common contributing pieces to keep in mind.

Lack of Compatibility. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we realize that we're not as compatible with a friend as we once thought. As we grow and change, our interests, values, and priorities may shift, and what once brought us together with a friend may no longer align as we pursue different paths in life. For example, many friendships often start out in a particular context, such as sharing a high-school experience or living together during university. This type of friendship might continue out of proximity or convenience, but might peter out as time continues, personality develops, and values or lifestyles become more concrete.

Life Transitions. Major life changes, such as moving to a new city, starting a family, or pursuing a new career, can also impact friendships. Although many relationships survive, and even thrive during life transitions, distance and life circumstances may make it challenging to maintain the same level of connection. If each person isn’t intentional in finding ways to manage the transition, the level of perceived intimacy can deteriorate, which may indicate that the relationship is coming to an end (Sprecher, 2016).

Unhealthy Dynamics. In some cases, friendships may become especially problematic or unhealthy. This could involve boundary violations, manipulation, or emotional abuse. However, unhealthy dynamics can be more subtle. For example, if interactions with a friend consistently leave a person feeling emotionally drained or negative, it may be a sign that the friendship is no longer beneficial (Wright & Scanlon, 1991). Persistent misunderstandings, conflicts, or a lack of open communication can also be a signal that the friendship is no longer viable (Canary & Stafford, 2013). After attempts to communicate needs clearly have been unsuccessful, a person might recognize the need to distance for their own well-being.

Is it time to let go? Key things to consider

Deciding whether to continue a friendship can be a challenging and emotional process. In a culture that increasingly finds itself ghosting, cancelling, and polarized views, it is even more important to slow down, reflect deeply on the state of your bond, and whether or not it’s worth to invest more of yourself. Here are some steps to consider when evaluating the future of a friendship.

Assess your friendship dynamic. Begin by creating a pros and cons list to evaluate the overall dynamic of your friendship. Reflect on recurring patterns and consider how the relationship makes you feel. Are there consistent issues or behaviors that bother you? Assess whether the friendship still adds value to your life. A friendship should be a source of joy and support, not stress and discomfort.

Evaluate personal growth and compatibility. Reflect on your current values, goals, and interests, and consider whether they align with those of your friend. Personal growth can lead to different paths and priorities, impacting the compatibility of the friendship. Assess if the friendship supports your growth and well-being. Examine shared interests and activities, and evaluate how well you communicate. Effective communication is crucial for resolving conflicts and maintaining a strong connection.

Assess emotional impact and seek external perspectives. Consider how the friendship affects your emotional health. Do interactions leave you feeling drained, stressed, or anxious? Or do they uplift and support you? Identify any unhealthy behaviors, such as manipulation, jealousy, or lack of respect. While making your decision, seeking external perspectives can be helpful as well. Share your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends, family members, or your therapist to gain insights you might have missed. However, know that the final choice is yours to make.

Consider potential outcomes and communicate honestly. Imagine different scenarios—continuing the friendship, taking a break, or ending it—and reflect on how these scenarios make you feel. Which outcome aligns best with your well-being and personal growth? If you decide to address the issues, have an open and honest conversation with your friend, and ensure you express your feelings and concerns calmly and respectfully. Clearly define your boundaries and needs to foster mutual understanding and respect. Something like, “I just thought I’d let you know that I’m taking a bit of space to process some things on my end.” Or, “I’m not able to spend as much time together these days as I’m trying to prioritize other things.” Make your communication specific to your experience.

Prioritize self-care and allow time for adjustment. No matter how you slice it, taking a break from, or full on ending a friendship can be both difficult and relieving. For the parts of you that might have a harder time, try engaging in activities that nurture your emotional well-being, such as mindfulness, journaling, or chatting with a supportive person in your life. Maintaining your physical health through exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep can support your emotional resilience during this time. It’s important to understand that ending or changing a friendship can be a grieving process. Allow yourself time to adjust and process your emotions, and focus on building new connections. In fact, embracing new friendships can help you move forward positively and find joy and support in surprising new places.

Deciding whether to stay friends with someone is a deeply personal decision that requires careful reflection and self-awareness. By taking time to consider the overall health of the relationship and your experience in it, you can make an informed decision that supports your overall wellbeing. Outgrowing a friendship is challenging, but it can also have positive outcomes when handled with care. While it will naturally be an emotional experience, it's also an opportunity for personal growth, self-discovery, and the cultivation of healthier relationships that leave you both feeling connected, supported, and cared for.

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